Wow. Where to start?
So much time has passed. Yes, I did seem so happy when S and I spent time together. Yes, I was so hopeful that things were going on in a positive direction with S and I. Yes, I was even cautiously optimistic that S would scale back her WoW usage and return her focus to her family, her life, and the man that loved her.
Boy, was I stupid.
Fast-forward a bit through May, June, July, into late August and early September. Things seem to be working well - S and I are spending as much time as I can get to spend, driving down in my car to where she lives (a few hours away from Los Angeles, but I try not to make that an issue).
We go to Sea World in San Diego, she comes up to LA to spend time with me, we have a nice picnic, enjoy each other's company and things look promising.
But I keep getting the impression that while she likes all this, she's still distant.
I talk to her about this. She says she's still dealing with the loss of her mother. And despite any effort I put into our relationship, I'm getting the impression that despite any suggestions I have that she's going to do exactly whatever she wants to do. And of course, that means hours upon hours playing with her Guildies on World of Warcraft.
Despite my sincere request that we spend time together, work on her career together and even help fund getting her re-trained to get back to earning the money she used to make - money she really could use.
The end of the summer comes along, and things start returning to the more difficult times we had - she even texted me one evening that her "friends" (as I referred to her Guildies) revere her and don't judge her, don't dismiss the things she does online and generally blow sunshine up her arse.
Remember that comparison I made between World of Warcraft and Alcoholism? I have a feeling that any substance abuser has had that conversation with those who love them. "Oh yeah? Well my friends don't judge me! You're just jealous! We have a special bond! They always love me and know how smart, talented and pretty I am! I have fun with them and you never got that!"
Meanwhile, hours upon hours disappear behind her computer, cooked meals become fast-food runs in the middle of the night...only AFTER the evening's 2nd or 3rd Heroic Raid is over.
The day begins and ends with S behind her computer, running World of Warcraft.
Exactly how different does this sound from someone who is a substance abuser?
Things finally come to a head in September. I have a dear friend who invites my parents and I to spend time with him and his family somewhere out off the beaten path. So my parents and I go out of town for a week. I tell S about this and she goes ballistic.
S interprets this as a direct insult. How dare I go anywhere without her.
Never mind that I go out of my way in an isolated area to find a cell phone signal and even go into the nearest town to send emails to her. She was still angry.
I come back and get really sick. Which means I can't see her when I come back. This is unacceptable. S is incereasingly furious.
Things come to a head when one weekend I get so sick I was running a temperature and just spent the weekend in bed. S of course took this as a direct affront as we were going to watch a movie on TV, with her at her place and me at mine. This was a usual thing as we didn't live near each other.
S was furious at me (being so sick that I didn't return her call and was asleep in bed all weekend) for wasting time that she could have been online on WoW, raiding.
How dare I waste her time. After all, she had to tell her friends that she wasn't available just for me. People she's never actually met. So that she'd spend time with someone she said she loved and wanted to marry.
I was even lambasted over the phone over this turn of events.
I answered the phone from a dead sleep that weekend, only to be hit with both barrels. Did I know that she turned down spending time with her guild, who needed her? Why didn't I call her? She waited ALL DAY to hear from me. How dare I?
At the point of exasperation, I tell her not to wait up for me as I wouldn't want her to look bad with her friends. She can make all the plans she wants. Spend as much time as she likes with whomever she wants. If she wants to find me, she knows where to call.
S hangs up.
I take this as having been dumped.
In the following weeks, S spends the time and puts considerable energy into calling me and leaving me rather creative answering machine messages telling me (depending upon her mood) that either I'm the worst person on the planet or that she loves me and wants us to work.
She texts me and wants to talk. I tell her that I'll write an email reply. A quick text reply says that if we can't talk by phone then there's no point of writing back.
So no email reply. And that seems to be that.
S stops calling/texting/emailing.
One evening I'm checking my bookmarks on my laptop and remember that this blog is still sitting around.
A quick read reminds me of just how hopeful I was - What's interesting about this is I've left out a few things that weighed much more on my conscience that anything listed here - I'll leave them unsaid but let's just say that being lied to for years isn't something I take well to.
Do I still love S? I always will. It's bittersweet, but she will always have a place in my heart.
I had a look tonight on the Armory page and saw that S's character was still active, updated today - which of course means she's still playing.
The funny thing is that I almost typed "using" instead of playing. That substance abuse allegory thing again.
I just hope she finds happiness. Or at least the kind of happiness that doesn't interfere with her addiction.